- - journal - -


September 17, 2023 - cowboys, cowboys, even more cowboys

Relatively late night entry! I hope I can wrtite this quickly, since I need to get ready for bed in like, ~20 minutes. It's a sunday night, and now that the school year has started, I will be in AP Calculus class 12 hours from now. Horrifying.

I've been doing pretty decently recently if I'm honest. Last week was the first full week of school, and although we've barely done anything yet, it's gone well so far. I like almost all my classes this year, so that's a relief! AP Bio is the one I don't like, cause I just don't like sceince classes in general. Favorite is probably history or photography, because I just like those classes a lot and the teachers are cool. Aside from school stuff, other activities have barely started up, so I've had lots of free time, which is good; it's been very relaxing. I haven't exactly utilized it well, and my current mood is making me feel the temptation to be self hating over it, but that doesn't acomplish anything so I'll try to limit it. What I'm getting at is this: I have barely been writing, and it makes me mad. Because I want to write, but it seems like I just can't, but I also haven't even been trying. Idk, I need to try to do it again, just force myself to. It's too enjoyable to not.

Since Wednesday, my time has been taken up reading a fanfic, Afterdrop. It's the longest one I've ever read, AND it's still unfinished! I have one more chapter to read, chapter 30, which I'll read tomorrow. I'll subscribe to the fic, in case it updates in the future, which it hopefully will. It's very good, it's written incredibly well, and the slow burn is done super well. So slow it's impossible to see moving :skull:. Anyways, reading that has taken up all my time, so hopefully once I finish it I can try writing again, I've had a long enough break.

Segways are for NERDS. Let's talk about fucking cowboys, aka my all time favorite thing as of like, 3 months ago, and onwards into perpetuity. I've had a passing interest in cowboys in the past, mainly because yk, gay, and men in cowboy hats and tight jeans are undeniably hot, but until recently it didn't go past that. But, it now has, clearly cause of Cole Cassidy, the beloved bastard. I love them aesthetically, as well as historically: I'm super interested in the history of the old west, the real history, not the historical fantasy of western movies. I don't much like those honestly, never have been much of a film buff, and most of them are just blatantly racist which is never fun. But yeah, cowboys!!! It's my hyperfixation, and now I am changing my life to reflect my true desires. I talked to my therapist about this, about doing what I actually want to do, not just what's expected of me, which is why I'm now trying to actually reflect my interests outside of when I'm alone.

Basically, I bought Wrangler jeans and cowboy boots. and they're fucking SICK. The jeans are good, a bit loose honestly so I might need a belt some time soon, praying I have another growth spurt and grow into them, and also just one in general for the height and stuff lol. The cowboy boots are actually interesting. Last Saturday, I went shopping with my parents, and I tried on other pairs of jeans at a store (none were quite right, hence why I kept the wranglers). I had mentioned wanting cowboy boots of course, and on the way home we stopped by a store that apparently exists near where we used to live, with all cowboy and work boots!

I found a style I like, it's a darker brown with subtle gold and light brown embroidery on the top. The store did not have that style in my size, so they had to place an order for it, and I could come back to pick it up when it came in. I went to get it yesterday, and now I have them! They are really cool, I feel so confident and just aaaaaa while I'm wearing them, it makes me so happy. They are very stiff still, so I won't be wearing them out anytime soon, but I'll wear them around the house to break them in over the next few weeks. Also, it's too warm here to wear them honestly, it's getting into the high 70's still. The shoes were pricy as hell, but luckily I've built up some decent spending cash by dogsitting/plant watering for a woman I know in town, so my savings will be fine. I am very excited to wear them >:3

I often think about college, even though I just started junior year. All 4 of my older sisters went to the college very close to where we live, and it's a great college, but like, I don't want to? And it complicates things a lot. I don't even want to live in this area, during college or after, so I feel like I should go somewhere I want to live. Which is basically either Boston, Seattle, somewhere in Colorado, or Santa Fe/Albuquerque. Yeah, about that, I want to move to New Mexico. I've never been, but god I just really really want to. If not there, then Colorado. I've actually been there twice (in summer AND winter!), so I know I'd like it.

Oh god, it's beem more than 20 minutes, it's 9:30 right now. I gotta go get ready for bed STAT if I wanna go to bed by 10, to wake up at 6. Uhhhh I have so much more I want to talk about though. god okay. I was gonna write a ton about my favorite music, but that will have to be rain checked. In the mean time, check out In the Darkness Hearts Aglow by Weyes Blood, Luck of the Draw by Bella Porter (this is just one song, it's on i think all streaming sites besides youtube), Sarah Vaughan at Mister Kelly's Live, and The Lady Sings by Billie Holliday.

Two parts of me fight constantly. One wants to be hidden, terrified of being noticed or seen. The other desperately wants everyone to know everything about him, to understand and to listen. The second part is winning at this moment. Whoever reads this, I wish you knew all of my complexities! They are cool, in my grandiose and objectively correct deductions! (tumblr reference)

anyways. adios!! have a good night/day/morning/evening/afternoon/time loop whoever happens to read this!


August 26, 2023 - gay fanfiction and a dead great grandmother

My first journal entry! Hooray! Huzzah!

In all seriousness, I'm glad to be starting this page. It's something I've wanted since I started doing neocities back in like, May (maybe? idk my memory is shit), so I'm happy to finally have it! Who knows how often I'll write here, I guess we'll have to see how that plays out. I didn't do all that much today, really just relaxed if I'm being honest. There's less than 2 weeks of summer left at this point, so relaxing is definetly something I wanna be getting the most out of. But, unfortunately, I have a lot of stuff to do still ;-;

I'm nearly complete all of my summer work for the three(3!!) AP classes I'm taking this upcoming year. I finished AP Calc and AP Bio already, and am halfway done AP Language. There's 4 assignments in total, and I finished the second one yesterday. You wanna know what it was? Over 100 goddamn fucking flashcards. Which I did BY HAND. Needless to say, my hand was hurting yesterday. The two assignments that are left don't look too bad, I just need to finish them before school starts even though they are technically do a week into the year. As for other things I need to do, tomorrow I'm going to an event for the equality/lgbtq group in my town, I have to make mac and cheese tomorrow and bring it. I'm like, on the executive committee of the group, cause the guy who started it said it would be good to have someone younger on the EC. I don't like, love doing it, but I know it's objectivelly a good thing to be a part of. So that's tomorrow. The other thing I have, I've been doing SAT Prep classes with a woman in town all summer, and I have some work to do for that. We didn't meet last week cause I had to go to my great grandmother's funeral, so I gotta do the work before Thursday. I feel like there's more I have to do, but I can't remember anything else rn.

I restringed my guitar two days ago, finally, because I snapped a string like 2 months ago at this point, and never got around to restringing it. Because of that, I lost the calluses on my fingers, so now they kinda hurt from playing it lol. It's not too bad though, if I keep playing daily they'll come back quick. I also finished the outline for chapter 3 of my fanfic, Fool That I Am, the other day. I started writing it, but I've only gotten ~700 words in so far. I planned on writing today, but never got around to it, and if I start this late at night I know I won't go to bed at a reasonable hour. Maybe tomorrow before the event?

Oh so yeah my great grandma died a few weeks ago and we just had the funeral a few days ago. It was fine, I didn't know most of the people since they were my great aunts and uncles and their families, and I haven't seen most of them since I was a little kid. It was nice to hear stories about her though I guess, I only met her like 3 times that I can remember and they were all long after her memory started going. Also she was 101 when she died which is like kinda insane. like wtf.

I'm glad that I've rediscovered my passion for writing in the past month, it's so much fun and I forgot how fufiling it is. Writing about my favorite repressed archer and gay cowboy are just an added bonus ;)

Speaking of which, I have so many fic ideas for them, it's not even funny. It's actually kinda motivating to keep writing the one I'm doing now, so I can eventually move onto those. The main ones currently are a noir au, a murder mystery au, and today I thought of a really angsty fic inspired by the song Polly Vaughn by Tia Blake, in which an archer accidentally kills his true love while hunting. I don't think I'd like, actually kill Cole in the fic, but the angst of Hanzo accidentally shooting him would be good enough lol.

Annnyways, I feel like this should be longer but I can't think of anything else to write. So instead, take a yeehan artwork that an upcoming scene in Fool That I Am is inspired by !! (art by zet-sifo on tumblr)